Monday, January 31, 2005

Too Many Thoughts

p>Is it pregnancy that makes my mind work overtime? Or is it just that I don't allow myself enough outlets to really work through my thoughts? I'm not sure. I do know that I am currently a jumble.

We missed Mass again yesterday. Illness has hit this house in such a way that Mass has been impossible for at lest the last 3 Sundays. I know that illness is a legitimate reason to miss Mass, but I find that going to church centers me and prepares me for the week ahead. I miss being there.

I listen to Christian music often when I'm in the car, especially with the kids. They're bored by my talk radio, and I'm bored by kiddie music. Adult music is sometimes a bit too adult for their little ears, and at least with Christian music they're entertained and getting a good message. So a new FFH song came on (at least it's new to me) called "On My Cross". It brought me to tears. I've been going through articles about contraception, discussing abortion and other life issues, and worrying about if I'm reading my scriptures and keeping up my prayer. Suddenly I realized I couldn't see the forest for the trees. "Those were my nails, that was my crown, that pierced your hands and your brow..." I'd completely lost sight of what God's love meant..."Those were my thorns, those were my scorns, those were my tears that fell down..." God's love isn't something that's mild, He paid a huge price to love me..."And just as you said it would be, you did it all for me" He placed himself on a cross, cut off completely from the Father..."After you counted the cost, you took my shame, my blame, on my cross." And he did it because he loves me.

I know that there are beautiful old hyms that can shake me to my foundation with a realization about God, but it never ceases to amaze that sometimes a contemporary song can do the same, even when they're sometimes hokey. I realized that I've been going through the last weeks with an image of the perfect family in front of me, my ideal for myself, and my own desires. When what I should always have before me is an image of my God on what is by all rights, my cross. Thank you, Lord, for putting me back in my place.

I also watched Super Nanny tonight. While my children are far from the children on the show, I never fail to find some piece of my own parenting that needs work. I've been in bed for days with this bronchitis when Piper needs more direct supervision. One of Reagan's frustrations with school is me. I need to appologize for adding to his pressure, and make ammends. He fears making me angry or letting me down. It's hard enough to learn without my weight on his shoulders. I have to get out of my sick bed and back in the mommy game. This parenting thing is about the hardest thing I've ever done and I want so much to do it well. I read other blogs by other mothers. I hear what their children are learning, or wise things that they've said and sometimes I feel so inadequate. God has given me such a special stewardship, I suppose I must continue to rely on Him to help me do my job well. Something easier said than done by this mom!

My mind still feels muddled. Maybe it's the codeine in the cough syrup. I'd best get some sleep.

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