Sunday, February 27, 2005

Changing Colors

I feel like today is the start of a new life. Not in that exciting way when something great happens, and you feel like anything could be accomplished, but in the way that changes the colors and makes you wonder about the future.

I came home from the hospital yesterday afternoon. I'd had a really good ambien-induced night's sleep and was incredibly sad, but rested. My mom and I went out to run some errands, mostly because I just wanted to stay busy. Busy makes the hurt go away, right? I found myself looking at all of the normal people leading their lives. I wanted to yell at them. Didn't they know that nothing was the same anymore? Didn't they know that my daughter had just died? Couldn't they just look at me and know that I was broken? It turns out they couldn't. The world keeps moving without Sarah in it, and I can't change that.

Last night was awful. My first nightmare was that during the funeral it suddenly wasn't Sarah anymore. It was Piper. I started screaming telling everyone I wanted Piper back. I was as prepared as possible to bury Sarah, but not Piper. I couldn't loose them both. I fell apart. After that sleep was pretty impossible. I'm sure I must have slept a little bit, but it was restless and wierd. My doctor gave me a prescription for a few days worth of sleeping pills which I didn't want to fill. Now I'm starting to think it would be a good idea.

Today I feel empty. She's not inside me anymore, and I feel hollow. I want to hold her again, but I know that more time would still never be enough. I'm exhausted, and I swing wildly between feeling numb and grief-stricken. I don't know what the next days hold. Still, through it all, I have not lost the belief that God is with us. That He is here. That He is holding on to us, and to Sarah. I miss her so much already that I can't even begin to find words to describe it. But I also think that it would be a thousand times worse without my God.

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