Monday, February 28, 2005

The Long Goodbye

Today was such a long day. The ambien did me a lot of good in getting a good night's sleep last night. I'm going to use it again tonight, then tomorrow night I'll go without it and see how I do.

I stopped by the church this morning and lit a candle for Sarah. The chapel was empty, and I knelt before the Holy Eucharist where I prayed and cried. I can't believe how quickly I can go from feelings of joy with my children, to feeling numb, to feeling like I'm going to break in half from grief. At church I felt closer to God, and closer to Sarah. Even in my sadness, I knew she was taken care of in a way I could never equal.

We had an appointment at the funeral home that left me with more questions than I started with. But during the course of our conversation with the funeral director, it came up that Reagan was feeling bad that he hadn't met his little sister. She kindly offered to wash Sarah and wrap her in a blanket so that her brother could say his goodbye. We took her up on it. So Reagan and I went over this afternoon and he was able to see her. I thought she looked just as perfect as the day she was born. I could see Bridget in her face, and her mouth looked like it was smiling. We talked about her, and where her soul is, and where her body will go. I've realized I may need some help explaining heaven. It's not the concept that gives him trouble, but the location.

Reagan didn't want to hold her, and that was okay with me. He just sat next to me while we looked at her and talked about her, and said goodbye. I hope, as time goes on, that this will help him with the concept of death. Now he knows that she was real, and he's seen her. I cried less this time when I gave her back, but it hurt just as much. Even tonight, I drove past the funeral home and cried. My baby is in there and I can't get her back!

We found a cometary that has a babyland, and it's lovely. I still can't believe how much it costs to bury a baby. Parents shouldn't have to worry about paying rent AND burying their child. But I suppose that is also a part of life. Dominic and I walked around and checked it out. I was so glad that he was there for everything. He picked the plot near a little bench where we can sit when we come to visit her. I never would have thought of that. Every step today he's held my hand and given me comfort. All of this would have been a thousand times harder without him. God provided my with such a good partner.

Maybe that is another sign of the hand of God in all things. Even in the midst of something I could have never imagined enduring, God has given me so many gifts. The sound of Bridget laughing, a loving family, and wonderful friends. I still have moments of pure joy, when I can see wonder again. I also have the gift of an amazingly wonderful man, and one I should be more grateful for.

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