Friday, February 18, 2005

Morning Comes

On an intellectual level, I know that the sun will rise and set despite how I feel. And yet I still feel betrayed this morning that the earth has continued to move on it's axis. My emotions ebb and flow at an astonishing rate, going from tidal wave to dried beach in sometimes only seconds.

I actually slept last night, but in dream after dream I was explaining what was wrong with our daughter, telling them that she is in trouble. In a few dreams I'd already lost her and was afraid if people didn't know, I'd forget her too. Now that I'm awake I feel exhausted, achy, emotionally spent, and yet the tears continue to come from some sort of bottomless well within me.

I'm surprised by the various thought processes that are going on within me. I took out my bebe sounds last night and listened as she moved within me, kicking and turning. Sometimes her little heartbeat would come in loud and strong. And yet every little movement was a stab in the heart. Part of me wishes God would just take her now, and I'd know that she wouldn't suffer an instant, but go home and see Our Lord. But on she goes, and then I feel guilty. Like maybe someone will think I don't love her enough.

I'll call and try to make an appointment with my regular ob/gyn today. He's at a different clinic so I have to make sure that my insurance will cover the visit. I have about a hundred questions. And I really don't think he's capable of answering them all. Will I always feel this way? Will it get worse?

The bright spot in all of this has been the sudden outpouring of good wishes, love, support, and prayer that I have received already. Thank you to everyone who has written, commented, and prayed. You are God's hands.


1'A visitor' posted on the Fri 18 Feb 2005, 4:14 pm

Anne my heart aches for you right now. I cannot imagine what you might be going through. I am praying that God will do something mighty and amazing for you and yours. I took the liberty of posting a prayer request on Christian Forums in teh Catholic congregation forum and amazingly enough someone there had even been led here through blogexplosion: while not the usual fare I have also requested prayer at my site. I know you prayed for us very hard recently and want you to know that we are praying for you.


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