Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Daily Musings

Since we found out about Sarah, I've posted a lot about myself. Much of it very personal. It's not that I've ever really held anything back, it's just that I never realized how many people I actually know read this blog. Usually when I write, I pretend no one reads it. So, I keep finding myself surprised at my stats. I just don't think I'm that interesting! Anyway, on with my daily musings.

Since losing Sarah, I've thrown myself into my role as a Homemaker. I've always wanted to be a wife and a mother. And I want to do the job well. I consider it as important a job as I'll ever do. I've also been reading "A Mother's Rule of Life" (see right sidebar) and getting all sorts of insight into how to make the different aspects of my home run more smoothly.

As a result of all of this, the house is clean, laundry is done, and Reagan and I have managed to accomplish a great deal of schoolwork. We've started a new chapter in Science and have had fun with experiments regarding hearing and sound.

In addition to all of that, my prayer life has increased and deepened, which I am truly grateful for. Not only do I now have time for prayer 3 times a day, mass readings, and scripture reading, but I'm praying several times a day with the kids including the Divine Mercy Chaplet and the Rosary. And I'm learning so much.

But at the same time, I'm feeling this incredible sense of restlessness. I'm sure that it's related to Sarah's death despite doing well lately. Really, I've had three good days in a row. A good day for me means more patience with the kids, and no major crying spells. Although I did see a pregnant woman on Dr. Phil today who made me want to cry, but I didn't! It has always been that when something went wrong in my life over which I had no control, I would change something about myself over which I did have control. It explains a number of bad haircuts following painful breakups. But I don't want a haircut. So, I'm left with this terribly uncomfortable feeling. I don't know what to change.

Losing weight requires far too much time. And it requires the giving up of chocolate. At Easter? I don't THINK so. I can't afford new clothes. I can't afford anything. I can't change the kids, or the husband. Don't really think I'd want to anyway. They're all kind of cute. Yup, even the husband. Even if he does leave his boxers on the floor. Maybe just understanding the restlessness and waiting it out is enough. But it's really hard. I'm just not sure what to do with myself. Hence the large amount of time spent on cleaning. Did you know that I have no gunk under the lid of my washing machine? What does that say about me? Ya, I think it spells mild insanity, too. Either that or I'm turning into Monica from Friends. At least I'm getting a lot done, right?



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