I think I'm doing really well, most of the time. That seems to be a common question these days, "How are you doing, Anne?" No one really knows what else to ask, and it's a perfectly legitimate question. But what is the answer? Well, I get up every morning and get dressed. I feed my children, and do my work. I'm spending more time in prayer lately. I'm spending more time time talking to God. Yesterday I went to confession and to Mass. I felt better while I was there.
Today I went out by myself to run a few errands. I felt fine, but I kept noticing this feeling of weight on my chest. I actually wonder why it's there, and then I realize that it's for Sarah. Grief doesn't go away just because I'm not thinking about her at that moment. It stays with me as I go through my day. I remembered this song, snuck onto the end of a CD I bought a few years back. It was exactly how I felt.
Hard To Get
You who live in heaven,
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth.
Who are afraid of being left by those we love, And who get hardened in the hurt.
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape,
To find the faith to ask for daily bread?
Did You forget about us, after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said.
Sill I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath,
While You're up there just playing hard to get.
You who live in radiance,
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin.
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was,
But still we do love now and then.
Did you ever know loneliness,
Did You ever know need?
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on,
And Your friends fall asleep,
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat.
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted,
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
And I know you bore our sorrows,
And I know you feel our pain.
And I know it would not hurt any less,
Even if it could be explained.
And I know that I am only lashing out, at the one who loves me most,
And after I figured this,
All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity,
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time,
We can't see what's ahead,
And we can not get free of what we've left behind.
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears,
All the words of shame and doubt,
Blame and regret.
I can't see how You're leading me,
Unless You've led me here,
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led.
And so You've been here all along I guess,
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get.
by, Rich Mullins
I know people have various opinions on contemporary Christian music. But sometimes you find a gem. And Rich Mullins has written some great music to honor God. To think that he felt this way from time to time does my heart good in a way.
I still hear the voices condemning our decision. Our terrible, impossible decision. The opposition still hurts. I told the priest all of it yesterday. My feelings, my fears, the people who attacked me, those who approached me in love (on both sides of the issue), my anger, my frustration, my sadness, that I feel as if I'm not the mother or wife I want to be right now. I told him everything. I told him I believed I made the best choice I could, and I don't think it was wrong, but asked for forgiveness if I was mistaken. I performed my penance. I was absolved. But the feelings haven't left yet. I don't know when they will.
Like the song says, "I know that it would not hurt any less, even if it could be explained." still, the desire for an explanation is still within me. I'm still praying for God's peace. The peace that comes from knowing I will never understand, but it's okay. I haven't gotten it yet, but I'll let you know if it comes. In the meantime, the weight on my chest is just something I live with. And I still can't pass a pregnant woman, or the baby section at Target without feeling tears. I suppose that will pass as well. Just not yet.