Thursday, April 14, 2005

At Odds

Emotionally I'm at both ends of the spectrum. Today was beautiful. The sun is shining, we started the day with a lovely walk (Reagan rode his bike), and we've had doors and window open all day to let in that lovely fresh Spring air. We're getting back into our routine, I'm getting things done, and I feel good.

Then there's the other end of the spectrum. I've become terribly afraid of pregnant women. No, not just uncomfortable, afraid. I've always loved being around pregnant women! But I should be one right now, and I'm not. It's as if they actually carry pain and could infect me with it if I stand to close.

I've developed a fear of new babies. What do I think will happen? I have no idea. But I saw one at the grocery store and practically bolted. I actually suddenly realized that I'd taken as many steps away from the baby as possible without getting out of my line. It's bad. Older babies are fine, it's the brand new ones I can't handle. It's as if they're all Sarah.

Then in the mail today was a lovely booklet from Carnation Good Start about having a healthy 8th month of pregnancy. I felt okay when I picked up the mail, but that hit me, honestly, like someone had punched me. I called Carnation crying and asked them not to send me any more. They said one more might make it out, but they removed me from their list and appologized. Of course they don't know. Rationally I know that, but irrationally? Well, I assume that since Sarah died, the whole world is different, and everyone should sense that difference, and everyone should know that the world is forever altered because she isn't in it. Therefore it's just cruel that Carnation would maliciously send me a booklet full of pictures of pregnant women and babies. Yeah. I'm thinking straight, aren't I?

I'm in a babywearing Yahoo group, also, where a mom complained about her continued bad feelings over not having the birth she wanted. Totally reasonable. But I just cringed inside. She had a healthy baby! Who's here! In her arms! I sent them an e-mail and explained about Sarah, urging them to be grateful. It just seemed in the scheme of things that how her baby got here wasn't nearly as important as the fact that she got here. I hope I gave perspective without being snippy. It's just that today I couldn't handle having someone complain about a birth that resulted in a healthy, live baby.

So, I'd had a couple of weeks where I thought I was handling my grief beautifully. Now, maybe because of the funerals in California, it's brought it all up again. It's so near the surface, it doesn't take much. But I'm rolling back and forth between the joy of Spring and the fun with the kids, and this deep unending sense of loss. Grief is work, and it's exhausting.

Pray for me.

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