June 28th. Sarah's due date. The day that I've been waiting for since George Bush was elected. We found out about our pregnancy on election day. It seems so long ago now. We've been through so much.
Today I should be holding my baby in my arms, thinking about my milk supply and how many diapers she's wetting. I should be putting her in the sling as I try to run after her sisters, and be asking the kids to go out and play so I can sleep with the baby.
Instead it's all gone so very wrong. And the new wonderful life growing inside of me has not lessened the pain in any way.
On one hand I feel no attachment to the new baby at all. It's hard to believe I'm even pregnant. On the other hand I know that I'm depending on this pregnancy to go well. I don't know if I could handle anything else, even though I know God led me through last time. I almost want to pretend I'm not pregnant. There are a lot more emotions surrounding this that I imagined there would be.
Yesterday I met a mom from my HPE loss support group. Her son lived for 2 years. He was so beautiful and special. I was left wishing that I could have had Sarah that long. But Sarah had so many more problems. She didn't have that chance. It was such a blessing to see his pictures and talk with his mother.
But I miss my Sarah. My beautiful baby girl. I wish I'd held her longer, I wish I'd smelled her some more. I can still remember how her skin felt against my face, and how tiny her hands were. I'm afraid to lose even a tiny fraction of the memory, because it's all I have.
Today I know it's over. Her due date has come and she is not here. And I'm left wondering if the hole in my heart will ever fill, and being afraid of what it would mean if it ever does.