Thursday, June 02, 2005

My Adoption Pregnancy Dreams

Sometimes what disturbs me about pregnancy dreams is how detailed and realistic they are. My dreams are usually fuzzy and move from scene to scene without direction. But some of my pregnancy dreams are so real I need to ask people the next day if I dreamed it or not.

Last night I dreamed that for some intuitive reason, I wanted to check my birth records. When I did, I found that I was adopted. My real father was actually my cousin (highly unlikely because I think he's only 12 years older than I am) and my real mother was his young girlfriend at the time. Now I like my cousin, but I don't actually know him all that well, and am unsure why I would have a dream about him. It occurred to me in the dream that he is adopted too. Which means I was not actually a blood relative of anyone I thought I was. I was going to have to discover my ethnic heritage all over again. And my biological mother had named me Dominia, which is not only ugly but way too close to Dominic.

Anyway, in the dream I went and spoke with my mother. I remembered her discussing her pregnancy after 40 and I wondered how I could have gone all my life without one of my siblings telling me I was adopted. My mom told me of how she had been pregnant with a baby girl, and had lost her, full-term, to a cord accident. At the same time I had been born and needed a home, so a deal was made for the adoption and I was taken home without anyone knowing. I told her in the dream that it must have been very hard, and how she never got a chance to grieve her lost child. It also occurred to me how much being there when we lost Sarah must have meant to her. Then I was deciding if I would open up about the adoption. I did talk to my cousin in the dream about it.  But we discussed that being the reason why I didn't see him much while I was growing up, and how my difficult adolescence had been scary for the family.

It was a very egotistical dream in a way.

When I woke up I really had to think about it. I had to remember that my cousin was too young, and that people remember seeing me in the hospital with my mother, and that I look just like her except for my dad's nose. It was just that real and detailed. A little soap opera-ish, but real and detailed. Very strange!

Chalk it up to another pregnancy, I suppose!

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