Saturday, July 09, 2005

Missing Her Marker

We went to run a bunch of errands today and I took Karina by the cemetery to see where Sarah is buried.

The Garden of Little Angels looked so lovely. All the vases were filled with flowers. There were toys and all sorts of sweet things left for all the special babies there.

I showed Karina Sarah's grave. There was only grass. I cried. I want my baby to have a marker already! I'm hoping we'll have all the money we need soon. We do have one all picked out!

It just felt like I couldn't make things right for her in life, and I can't make things right for her in death either. It was very discouraging. I just wanted so much to put flowers in her vase and pretty things around her marker. I want it to look like she's loved and cared about. I want people to know that she's there and she's special.

Dominic won't go and visit without a marker. I don't blame him. It feels wrong enough to have her gone, but even more wrong that no one can see she's there.

It made the missing her that I can usually keep at bay feel too close, too much. Grief continues to surprise me, popping up when I least expect it to bite me in the butt. My arms just ache for her tonight.

Guess that's just an I'm-feeling-sorry-for-myself post. But I have to share this part too. She's not totally gone as long as I'm still thinking about her. At least that's how it feels to me.

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