Friday, August 26, 2005

Pregnancy After A Loss

I got the question from Rachel in a comment on another post about how I was brave enough to jump into another pregnancy right away. Well, to be honest, I didn't think about it. I was so devastated to be without Sarah. So filled with feelings of failure, doubt, grief, and longing, I couldn't think of anything better to do. It was the right choice for me. If I weren't pregnant now, I'd be wondering if I could get pregnant, and (though I don't miss Sarah any less) I'd be missing Sarah all the time. Only looking back, not looking forward.

I also need to be honest. Pregnancy after a loss is making me loopy. I'm conflicted on just about everything. I have twenty different feelings and none of them make sense. It's left me very unsure of myself.

I wanted a girl. Despite knowing that another baby cannot replace Sarah, I think I still wanted to try. I had the image in my head of my little stair-stepped girls, singing in a trio for my mom. I don't like that he's a boy because that means he's not Sarah. But then I really do. I loved having a baby boy. And it's good that he's a boy. It really helps me to separate them in my head. I'm not just continuing on with Sarah's pregnancy. This is a totally new and separate baby.

I don't think he's coming home with me. Much like having my first baby, and not being able to imagine being someones mother, I'm having trouble visualizing a healthy birth and a baby to bring home. If I get my hopes up, the worst might happen. And I'd be devastated. Because I love him already.

I resent this baby. I resent him for not being Sarah. Because I miss her, love her, and want her so much to be with me. But I love him! I love that he's exactly who he is! It's not his fault he's not Sarah. And I don't want him to be anyone but who he is! I want them both, healthy, and with me.

I'm afraid to love him too much. Afraid that I'll be ripped apart again if anything happened, and I can't stand to hurt that much again. But at the same time I can't help but love him, and if I were to lose him tomorrow, none of this preventative worrying I've done would stem the tide of grief in the slightest.

I'm tired all the time. But I don't sleep well. I want him to kick all the time, and he doesn't kick enough. Though he kicks a heck of a lot more than Sarah did, and he always kicks me when I get scared. But it's like, if he's not kicking, then I'm always scared! I'm an emotional wreck. I cry all the time. Mostly for no reason. Everything hurts so much. When I'm at home I think I should be working to make money and help the family. When I'm at work, I want to be at home with Dominic and the kids.

Dominic has been working so hard taking overtime, he deserves a medal. I couldn't be more proud of the man who takes such good care of me and his family. But I don't know what kind of wife I've been lately. I can't seem to pull myself outside of my own body. My thoughts, feelings, etc. are all wrapped up in my uterus and what it's doing from minute to minute.

In short, I think I'm crazy. Not only am I pregnancy crazy, I'm pregnancy after a loss crazy. And that's really really crazy.

I wouldn't trade this baby for anything. Nothing makes me happier than the thought that I really might one day hold him in my arms. But is it easy? No. It's really not. And I needed to devote a little blog space to it. Because sometimes I try way too hard to put on the "everything's okay here" face. And I don't know who reads my blog. If there's someone else out there who is going through pregnancy after a loss, or thinking about it, I want to be honest.

The book Pregnancy After a Loss by Carol Cirulli Lanham has been a lifesaver. It does let me know that my insanity is actually pretty sane.

And, oddly, even with all this kookiness in my head, I really am enjoying every tiny change, and every second of this pregnancy. I wouldn't have it any other way.

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