Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Labor And Delivery Again

I ended up in L&D again last night. I had a large amount of spotting and became concerned. Especially since bleeding was the first sign that anything was wrong with Sarah.

My nurse was one of my nurse's from Sarah's birth, and it was good to visit with her. I learned that the nurse who had originally called Sarah a shooting star has experienced great tragedy of her own. Two of her children (21 & 15 years old) were killed in a car accident, and she's currently not working. I just know, because of the person that she is, that people are taking care of her. My nurse told me she's been an inspiration of strength. Still, I wish I could give her even a glimmer of the comfort and kindness she offered me.

Today is gloomy and chilly. I found that I'm actually dreading Winter. On one hand, I should be excited. Baby will be here. But it's also the time when we lost Sarah. And I'm afraid of having this baby at the same time.

I know I've mentioned that pregnancy after a loss offers a whole new set of challenges. But I'm still struck by just how much of a challenge it is. I now feel like I'm trudging through every day, just trying not to let my fear get the best of me. Thank goodness, God is faithful.

Tomorrow I'll see my doctor, and hopefully he can tell me why I'm still spotting. Hopefully he'll set my mind at ease. Still, I'm not sure if I should be praying for baby, or my own mind.

He's such a good boy. Every time I'd get scared last night, he'd roll over and kick me someplace ticklish. Actually, he's doing that right now.

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