Saturday, November 26, 2005

Nine Months In Heaven

I've been thinking about Sarah's birthday a lot lately.

Maybe it's been the numerous trips to labor and delivery for management of contractions. Maybe it's that they actually put me in the room that she was born in for one of those trips. Maybe it's that the pain of that day is finally lessening enough to allow me to think of it without wishing I could tear my own heart out.

Whatever it is I've been thinking about it a lot. I've been picturing her tiny body in my mind, and trying desperately to hold on to the weight of her in my hands, and the feel of her skin. She was so warm right after she was born, and every feature was so completely perfect.

Now here we are, nine months later, counting down the days until Ciaran is born. But it really hasn't made me miss Sarah any less. Of course, now I can talk about her without bursting into tears. Now I can picture her in my head and smile.

When I think about it, life just seems so crazy. Ups and downs, and highs and lows. This year we had to give one of our greatest gifts back to the Giver. But then we turned around and were blessed by this little man who's kicking me and making me have to pee all the time.

To say that I'm one big emotional contradiction is putting it mildly.

Thank you to each person who has kept going with me down this crazy path. It hasn't been easy. But the support I've gotten through my blog has been incredible. May Sarah pray for each of you. And may she pray for Ciaran, that he makes it safely into the world.

Mommy still misses you, Sarah. You may not be here, but you are still with me.

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