Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Eleven Months In Heaven

Since I started my Live Journal (which is primarily a personal place, whereas this is my home and family place), I've been looking more at some of my older posts.  I linked all of my Losing Sarah entries from my new page, and I started reading them.  I was surprised that I'd forgotten so many details.  I've tried so hard to remember everything.  And I was surprised that the feelings of grief that I think are dying away, are still there, right beneath the surface, and easy to recall.

As soon as Sarah died, I began talking about having another baby.  I did receive one comment from a reader about how my rush into a subsequent pregnancy meant that I didn't care about Sarah, but I was pleased that there was only one.  My rush into another pregnancy really had more to do with the depth of my grief for her, and not a desire to forget about her.  Every mother has to decide for herself, after a loss, how long she wishes to wait before welcoming another life into hers.  And the right amount of time is different for each one.

I was searching for meaning in Sarah's death.  Having Ciaran helped me find it.  Without her, Ciaran whould not have been.  That's huge meaning.

Now I can look across the room and see Ciaran sleeping in his baby swing.  He's here and he's incredible.  And all the things that Sarah taught me are still here too.  Mostly I have an incredible gratitude and appreciation for my living children.  Yes, they can be difficult, and drive me crazy.  Yes, we're all still human and have good and bad days.  But I no longer take for granted that they are here and will always be.  Each one is a precious gift, and I am only a steward.

I still think of Sarah every day.  And I still miss her.  Some days, terribly.  But I am also more grateful for what I have.  And what I have is incredible.

Mommy misses you, Sarah.  Thank you for everything.

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