Saturday, February 25, 2006

Happy Birthday, Sarah

If you feel like leaving you know you can go
But why don't you stay until tomorrow?
If you want to be free, you know, all you got to do is say so
Baby hair with a woman's eyes
I can feel you're watching in the night
All alone with me and we're waiting for the sunlight
When I feel cold, you warm me
And when I feel I can't go on, you come and hold me
It's you...
Won't you smile a while for me, Sarah
Adapted from Hall & Oats "Sara Smile"

A year ago today, I touched heaven for a brief moment, as I held my little daughter in my arms. I held her and kissed her and talked to her, squeezing every memory I could from the moments we had. Then I cried. The next day I went home and spent several sleepless nights learning that you can cry without tears, and sometimes, even if you do fall asleep, you can cry in your dreams.

I dreamed about Sarah a lot in the beginning. Each time she came to me, whole and healthy, and I begged her to stay with me. But, of course, she never did. A year later I look back and the journey and what I've learned. The great lessons that Sarah taught me.

Love can come from the most unexpected places. Wishes are not always possible. Sometimes the hardest decisions we make bring the greatest blessings. Death is not the end.

Heaven gave Sarah what I could not. Heaven made her whole. And I can only assume that one day I will be too. Until then I will think of my little Sarah often. Especially when I look into the face of her little brother. And I will be grateful that she came, grateful that I knew her for a moment, and grateful for all that she gave me. Grief is different for every person. It's a journey without a destination. It will never be over. But it's no longer all consuming.

Now my grief propels me forward, in a positive way. It keeps me grounded in the reality that the time we have is finite, and I must not take for granted anything I have. I must spend each day fully involved and aware. Thank you, Sarah, for everything. And thank you, Lord, for the gift that she was. I will love her forever. Sarah, pray for us.

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