Sunday, April 23, 2006

I'm Just Not That Perfect

I had an experience this past week that make me think about my blogging persona.  I met a mom whose blog I read and whose writing I admire greatly.  We discussed a bit about our online persona, and it was really the first time I'd thought about mine.  I think my tendency with my blog is to really put out the me that I want to be, sometimes more than the me that I am.  I try to be honest, but a blog can never be as three dimensional as a person.  And I have to remember that.

Later that day I was thinking about the persona that we project in real life.  I remember when I was in college, I went to a bible study on Tuesday Nights, with a lot of other college students.  We were Evangelical Christians with the Bible as our guide and our weapon.  I always hoped someone would ask me out, as I really wanted to date a Christian guy.  I was doing my best to live out my faith in a real way.  I had made some mistakes: premarital sex, abortion, drugs, I had suffered from depression and been hospitalized.  By college I was doing much better, but I knew instinctively that making Christian friends, and dating Christian guys would help me continue to make good choices.  Positive peer pressure.  But no one ever asked me out.  You see, I didn't conform to the image.  It hurt, as I felt that if Jesus could forgive me and make me a new creation, why couldn't they see it?  But they were only human, just like me.

I realize that when I'm dealing with Christians, I'm still far too worried about image.  So here's the truth.

I still struggle with depression.  Depression is like the current that I wade against.  I have a life that I love, and depression just wants to take the contentment away.  So, I fight.  It can be exhausting.  It doesn't rule my life like it did then, but it's ever present.

My husband is not a read-the-scriptures-all-day guy.  But he's a wonderful man, who's grateful to the Lord for what he has.  Even if he does make off color jokes sometimes.

I don't always have the patience I should have.  I get frustrated with my kids and my house.  And sometimes I just want to give them a good spanking!  That's what my parents did, and it's hard to learn a different way.

I'm not as smart as I think I am, and I'm not as educated as I'd like to be.

I struggle with real, everyday problems just like anyone else.  I snap at my husband, or I don't say the right things to my kids.

I emberass myself occassionally with glaring typos, grammatic errors, and ghastly misspellings.

What I do have going for me is that I'm a real-life creation of the One True God.  And He knows me.  He knows every hair on my head.  He ransomed me with the blood of His only Son.  And His Spirit lives in me.

So, if I ever meet you in real life, and you're worried that maybe I'm going to judge you, forget it!  Meet the real Anne, trying hard every day, but still falling short of the mark.  My place is not to judge, but to be a sister in Christ.  Besides, we do so much more when we hold each-other up.  I think we Christian women need to be doing more of that.

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