I got a comment earlier today that really made me think. When I started blogging I begain making connections with other bloggers. Some of those connections were severed when we lost Sarah. Over the past two and a half years I've toyed with the idea of rebuilding some, but I don't think it can be. Some will always believe that what we did was wrong, and I never will. That colors their perception of me and mine of them. I know that one day in heaven we will truly see each other as sisters in Christ and these issues will no longer separate us, but for now, sadly, they do.
The poster's comment said that she didn't believe that in the past two years she had seen any personal growth on my part. While one part of me wonders how a random person on the internet is capable of making such an observation, the rational side of me understands that this slice of life is all that some people know of me, and that we all see things from our own perspective. I know that's certainly true on my part.
I understand that some who read my blog before Sarah's death saw me differently than they did after her death. Some no longer saw me as a good Catholic. Some no longer saw me as being truly pro-life. After two years of personal reflection and study, I no longer really care if someone who has never even met me thinks such things. I'm a human being, and I won't say that I'm thrilled that someone who doesn't really know me from Eve has made such strong judgments about me, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it either.
Growth is so personal. It's unique from individual to individual. Before Sarah died I was a Catholic homeschooling mom keeping a blog and sharing her family. In that respect, not much has changed. But my daughter changed me in ways that I have trouble communicated verbally or through the written word. She has given me a greater hope for heaven, she has given me more compassion for others, and she has given me an understanding that people are more easily reached with love than judgment. More than that I've learned that I do not always know the will of God and have to trust His mercy if I am wrong. I am suspicious of those who think that they know the mind of God in all things as I think they either lack experience, humility, understanding, or some combination thereof. I also believe that it is easier to judge right from wrong when we understand why something is right or wrong than it is to make the judgment based on incomplete understanding of the facts.
That's my personal growth. And for anyone interested in seeing where this family goes from here, stick around and I'll keep posting. For those who are not, there's a little x in the corner of your browser. You know what to do.