I think I've spent a lot of my pregnancy this time around, convincing myself and everyone around me that this one is different. I have the understanding that bad things can happen, therefore the appreciation for everything going well. And since this isn't my first pregnancy after a loss, I was not going to face the stress that was my pregnancy with Ciaran.
What I didn't tell people was that my first trimester may not have felt too sickly, but did feel like a nearly 3 month long anxiety attack. That's the only way to describe it. It felt like I did when I ditched school for the day and I knew they'd called my parents, and I was going to be in trouble when I got home. It was that sense of impending doom that I couldn't shake no matter how hard I tried. I really think I expected something to go wrong, no matter what I told myself or others.
Really though, this has been a beautiful pregnancy. This baby has never given me a moment of concern. I've grown well and enjoyed the changes. I like that I can wear cute clothes and I didn't have to get thin first. I've enjoyed the baby's kicks, rolls, pokes, and the excitement in my older children. It's been fun.
But I've also noticed that I don't feel like the baby is real, or is coming. Bonding has been difficult. So I was really happy the other night when I finally had a pregnancy dream that was actually about this baby. I dreamed I was giving birth. I used all my Bradley techniques and was having to concentrate, but it wasn't bad or scary. The baby came out quickly with little help from me, and was absolutely perfect. Another girl. I was so happy to see her, and wanted her close to me. It was the first time I realized that this baby really is coming and it's okay. No, there are no guarantees, and no matter what I tell myself there will always be some fear. But this baby is fine. I'm fine. And, while I have concerns about timing (six weeks off of work right around Christmas is a little stressful) God has a plan for us and will work it out.
I'm finally feeling some peace. And all because of a dream.
Now playing: Máire Brennan - Perfect Time