Wednesday, August 19, 2009



Meeting a new baby, even one that has been living inside of you for months, is incredibly exciting and I'm looking forward to it. I'm not at all nervous about meeting my baby boy. I'm not anxious about becoming a mother. After all, this isn't exactly my first go-round.

I'm still having the vivid pregnancy dreams, however, and I've realized that they're all related to a certain level of anxiety for me. When I was pregnant with Reagan, the dreams focused on becoming a parent. From dreams where they wouldn't let me take him home from the hospital because I didn't have a carseat, to dreams where I left his carseat on the roof of the car and drove off, they were all about how I was going to be a mother. With these dreams now, that's not the focus at all.

Most of my pregnancy dreams revolve around keeping this baby inside me long enough. With my last 3 children, each has come a bit sooner than the previous. Quinn was born at 34/35 weeks (depending on whose count you're using), weighed 4lbs. 13oz. and needed 2 weeks in the NICU. I don't want a repeat performance of that. I mean, I couldn't even hold him for almost 2 days. It just broke my heart. Especially since I still nurse a certain amount of fear that I think just goes with every parent after a loss.

My first pregnancy dream was in my first trimester, and I dreamed I was being treated for pre-term labor. Last night I dreamed I gave birth so fast, I barely felt like I'd done it. And of course it was too early. I made sure we wrapped him in several blankets, and got a hat on him. I wanted to transport him to the hospital ourselves. He was breathing fine, and seemed stable, but when we got to the hospital, he needed to be intubated. In the dream I heard the nurse practitioner say that he thought it was pointless since he expected the baby to die anyway. I was so angry and scared. The worst thing was how real it felt.

It's hard, as a mom, as a nurse, and I think as a human being, to remember that I don't have any more than the illusion of control. My baby and I are both in God's hands. And while I will continue to strive to make the best decisions I can for both of us, I must also walk in faith.

I've always thought that God does everything better than me, so I think I'll let Him worry about us for a while. It's too hard for me, and too scary. As for today, I'm still pregnant, and we're still both healthy. And that is a wonderful thing.

1 comment:

  1. hi there!
    This is the first time I have opened my computer in over a week and i wanted to stop by and see how youve been. Boy, those are some wild dreams. LOL!

    Thinking of you often!

    Take care,


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