Friday, February 12, 2010

California Dreaming...

Brennan in the new hat I knitted for him.  2/11/10

Brennan is definitely going to end up better for my knitting addiction.  Over the last couple of weeks we've noticed that his eyes are definitely turning brown, from the slate gray of newborn.  He's growing and changing so fast, I wish I could hold on to every moment.

Today was...a day.  I took Piper and Bridget to the zoo, because frankly, I thought they needed to get out of the house.  With all the snow lately and without the van, we're stuck at home a lot more than I'd like.  I didn't think Reagan would want to go.  He's sort of embraced the hermit-like bent of some Aspie's.  But then he was sorry I didn't ask him to join us.  Go figure.

The kids have been bickering so much, I feel like a frayed ball of raw nerves by the end of the day, and it hasn't been bringing out my A-game.  

Last night I dreamed that my mother found me a job, but I had to move back to California to take it.  The dream was full of interesting imagery.  An elevator that went too fast and almost knocked me down.  A bar in the middle of an apartment complex full of carefree single professionals.  Disneyland rides at LAX.  Being an attorney. 

Some of the images I understand.  I'm a little homesick.  And maybe the frustration of being an adult made me want, just a little, to be a carefree single again.  And the last time I was like that, I was working at Disneyland.  But my reality is here.  Here with one son who's moving toward adulthood at breakneck speed, and who I fear has so much more in his head than he's willing to share with me.  Two girls full of drama, though thankfully not much angst.  A son fighting hard to communicate through Autism.  Another son just trying to learn to communicate.  And the sweetest baby, who like all babies, needs a lot of attention.

I'm frazzled, I'm frayed, I'm tired, and maybe a little discouraged.  The snow really isn't helping with that.  But then again, I'm not in it alone, even when I think I am.  And that's part of the beauty of a family.  Even though I'm dreaming of my home in California, my home is really where my people are.  And they're right here with me.

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