Looking at the blog post titles for the month of February, I began to notice a pattern. I'm overwhelmed. But I don't think I should be. Yes, I have a home, six kids, 2 kids on the Autism spectrum, a new baby, 3 kids being homeschooled, a job, a husband, 2 cats, and....okay maybe I should be overwhelmed.
But I have a routine! When I stick to it, I can get a lot done! And I have incredible kids. It's not like I'm raising rampaging wildabeests. But I'm not sticking to it well. I'm tired. I'm not getting enough good solid sleep. More than that, though, I think I'm a little discouraged.
This is the life I always wanted. I have a husband, a home, and a great big family. I'm living my dream. But then again, my dream did not have nearly so much laundry, not hardly as many dishes, and I'm pretty sure it had a lot fewer diapers. I know that we can find God in the details. I know that I can find peace in the work that's done day-in and day-out. But sometimes it's just hard. Sometimes I envy people who build things, who can stand back at the end of their day and say, "That's mine. I made that." I spend most of my day doing tasks that will need to be repeated tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that.
I don't know if this is related to my depression, or if this is something many women feel. I wonder if it's not discussed, partially because we who have chosen to stay home, feel a need to validate that choice to women who think we're some kind of kooky throw-back.
I think what gets me through is that I really do believe that the work I do is important. Keeping my children fed and in clean clothes, with a clean home to live in, is important. Driving to and from therapy, to and from school, and to and from the market, is important. Because my kids are important.
Knowing all that, I'm still probably going to feel overwhelmed, worn out, and just plain tired. But maybe I can stop whining about it so much.