I have to give a special thank you to Aunt Becky of Mommy Wants Vodka for giving me the idea for this post.
Dear Young Muse Mama,
I was once asked what the young me would say if she could see me now. My reply was that she wouldn't get much of a chance to talk, what with my hitting her repeatedly in the face.
Frankly, I think you're making a lot of stupid choices and I wish I could make you stop. Yes, people are mean, but they aren't all mean, and you're making choices for the rest of our life as if they'll somehow be punished. They won't. Only you will. It's bad.
(Tear In Your Hand)
You love people. And you believe in them. I don't ever want you to lose that. At the same time, you need to protect yourself. The sexual abuse you suffered when you were very young will cause you to do crazy things. Say crazy things. And you'll look for love in all the wrong places.
Sex isn't a terrible thing, but the way you will use it will damage you on a deep level. Sex doesn't bring love. It doesn't. And guys who are much older than you? I know they'll make you feel special, but they have nothing to offer. They'll take everything, and leave nothing in it's place. Focus on the important things. It may be boring to get homework done and study, but it will allow you to do anything you want with your life.
You have parents who value education. And who will treat you like an adult as long as you act like one. I know you don't think they get you. And the truth is, they don't. But give them time. They'll try, and ultimately they will. And they'll love you. They'll be your biggest supporters. You'll be so grateful for them. But if you go around trying to punish them for not being exactly what you want, you'll end up hurting yourself. They're doing the best they can. They're not perfect, and they've never had a kid like you before. If you keep acting the way you are, you'll close all the doors that should be open to you. You'll do fine, eventually, but you should have had so many choices. And you won't.
Sex has it's dangers. Especially for a girl who wants so much to be loved. That guy? The one with the 2 kids, who's way too old for you? He'll get you pregnant. And he'll pressure you to have an abortion. At 17, it will be hard to resist the pressure of your boyfriend and your parents. At least their motives are good. They want you to have all the opportunities you should. He just doesn't want to be attached to you forever. No decision will make you happy. The decision you will make to have an abortion, will nearly kill you. Could you maybe avoid this scenario entirely and just not get knocked up?
No? Well, since you will decide to abort, and because it will rip you up inside, you'll get pregnant again at 19. Sure, you weren't trying to get pregnant. But you weren't really avoiding it either. And J. doesn't love you either. In fairness, you don't love him. You love his family. But you won't keep them. Your son will be awesome, but once again, you'll be making choices that make it harder for yourself. Which is why I usually want to beat you with my shoe. I live every day with the choices you made. I love my life, but I'm frustrated with you.
You're going to look for God. You're going to look to Paganism, as an escape from everything you've ever been taught. You're such a rebel. It will appeal to you for everything that is beautiful in a peaceful earth religion. But you'll be there for a lot of the wrong reasons. You can't pick a faith just because it's not Christianity. The truth is that you want to experience your faith. Stop looking for the right way. It will drive you crazy. You'll go to every church imaginable, and study totally different religions too. And when you see God reflected somewhere in them, or experience a connection to God through their teachings, you'll question everything you believe, and wonder if you should switch it up again. I think the truth is that there is no church or faith that has all the answers. They all have some, but it's the experience of God that matters. It's being able to connect to that force in the Universe that created all things, and is in all things. That will lead you back to the beginning. And that's okay.
If it works, do it, so long as it harms none and shares love with others. Please know that you're not perfect, and you don't have to be. While I'm still mad at you sometimes, it's fair to make mistakes. Don't try to hold on to those who can't forgive. You're able to forgive so much. Especially with those you love. If they can't return that, they're not worth the time and energy you'll want to put in. You can't make people love you and you don't have to. Some people will like you, some people will love you, some people can't stand you. And, honestly, those who don't like you, rarely matter in your day to day life.
The idea of harming none is something you try to take seriously when it comes to others. Don't forget to apply it to yourself.
You at 33
Now, how I do I get this letter back to her?
Thank you to Tori Amos for the song titles.