Sunday, April 10, 2011

So, I'm Not Always Ok

They tell me that right now my little Liam looks something like this:

Pretty cute.  

Most days, the knowledge that I've gotten this far, makes me happy.  But then there are other days.  Days like today.  I have the scary diagnosis and the positive prognosis.  And most of the time I hold on to the positive for all it's worth.  The problem is, I don't know how this all ends yet.  I'm only halfway through the story.  I don't like being halfway through stories.  That's why I read books so fast.  I want to know how they end.  I also have ridiculously little patience.  So, having this many kids was a great choice, right?

The thing is, I'm genuinely scared.  I've realized that I'm not really scared of having a c-section.  I'm scared because there's something wrong with my baby.  If there weren't, a section wouldn't be in the plans at all.  I'm scared because I can't see the future and know that he's coming home safe with me.  

I don't know that this is reasonable on my part.  I'm pregnant, hormonal, and almost always hungry.  Seriously, I had to go buy size large pants today.  I can fully admit that I'm not reasonable or rational at this point.  And, to be honest, I don't want to be that hysterical pregnant woman who makes everyone crazy because she's freaking out when she shouldn't.  I know that most of the time people don't want to hear about this.  Not unless I'm saying that everything is going to be great.  

But sometimes, just sometimes, I completely lose my grip of all things positive and encouraging and am almost completely overwhelmed by this abject fear that it isn't all going to work out.  Then again, I can't follow my fears to their possible conclusions, because even I can't let myself go to worst case scenario.  

So here's what I'd like:  If anyone has a crystal ball I can borrow, so I can see exactly what's going to happen, I'd really love it if you'd share.  The scary place just sucks.  So do the contractions on top of round ligament pains.  There's just no good justification for any pregnant woman to have both of those at the same time!


  1. Wishing you and little Liam all the best tonight.

  2. You are totally allowed to freak out, and those of us who love you don't even mind if you freak out in our general vicinity.

    But I got no crystal ball for ya, sadly. Just hugs and smooshie kisses!


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