Saturday, March 24, 2012

Motherhood Is Kicking My Ass

I have friends who tell me what a great mom they think I am.  What I find even weirder than that, is that they read this blog.  They have to know the truth, right?

I spent half an hour trying to mediate an argument between my daughters tonight, where I ended up yelling at Piper because I couldn't deal with her complaints, until we'd dealt with other things first.

I've had Ciaran in time-out 3 times since lights out because he won't stop kicking the door.  He can't tell me why he's doing it, but I'm simply out of ideas for how to make him stop.

Now Quinn is crying because I made him get back into bed.

The girls aren't fighting anymore, but they're not playing quietly.  I don't think they're picking up like I told them to, either.

I feel completely overstimulated and overloaded, and I can't seem to get centered enough to ground myself, because there's never a pause in the action.

Motherhood is kicking my ass.  For serious.

I haven't written anything here in three months.  I've had so much to say.  So much rattling around inside my brain.  But I couldn't get it out because I've been mired in a depression that's made it difficult for me to get through a whole day without going back to bed at some point.

I'm taking charge.  I'm working on it.  But depression is a mean bitch, and she and I have been fighting this fight for years.  I win.  I always win.  But she never fights fair, and I usually take a beating in the process.  Sometimes I wonder if our dance will ever be over.  And I wonder what my children will take from these times when I'm fighting her hardest.  I think mostly they'll remember how tired it made me.

I'm going to come back and write more.  I have actual thoughts that I think other people might want to read. Thoughts that I'd like to put down for myself to remember.  But I couldn't start until I'd shared why I stopped.  Fighting depression occasionally takes too much of my attention.


  1. May you know that you are NOT alone! :) Blessings!

  2. Motherhood and depression are a double whammy that really kicks your ass. I've been meaning to get the kids to clean up their stuff, and just haven't had the energy to fight that fight. Maybe tomorrow...

    Just know that you are not alone!!!!

    1. Thank you, Sandy. Part of me knows that. But one of depression's favorite lies is that I am alone. I think the best way to fight that, is to talk about it.

  3. You are amazing and I am so proud of you for writing this. Keep fighting- you are the strongest person I know!

    1. My first instinct is to say that you must not know many people. But I'm working on learning to take compliments. A skill that is something we're not taught as girls. So, thank you. But the feeling is mutual. You completely inspire me with your passion for life.

  4. You are definitely not alone. I am as of recently climbing out of a year long "rut" It was unbelievable. Not only did I feel depressed, but alone and angry and confused about where I was and where I was headed. Seems like God is helping me "take control" as you stated. I have been more mindful of my thoughts and my words. I've completely stopped saying, "I'm overwhelmed" b/c I have feeling like that. Even if I feel it, I am trying to say aloud, "I can do this. Things are changing for me." Keep fighting! You will win again!

  5. Ugh... so much for my response actually showing up... oh well. As one woman that looks at you and says "I wanna be here when i grow up" I can say that yes i DO knwo the truth and I do see the challenges you face. but what i see in those flaws is absolute beauty and strength i have seen in very few people on this earth. IT is precisely because of these imperfections of parenthood that I want to be you, because none of us is perfect we all ahve our flaws and those flaws make us the incredible people we are. you Anne are incredible, and i am honored to call you my friend. You are a Goddess in Real Life my friend and being overwhelmed, depressed and even feeling like your not doing anything right is part of all of that and that is what makes you beautiful... You are a huge winner, your fight knows no bounderies and you are without question the strongest woman I know.... Hang in there I'm here if you need me...


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