Saturday, November 01, 2014

10 Laws of Parenthood

I was sitting here writing a perfectly nice blog post about teamwork, or something like that, when I got a text from Karina (22) telling me that the upstairs bathroom sink was clogged.

I have now spent the past 40 minutes trying to determine the source of the clog and fix it.

Now, first off I noticed that the bathroom sink is missing the stopper because Ciaran (8) loves to run off with it.

Why? Well, I've stopped trying too hard to know the unknowable. We'll just call it one of the Great Mysteries. We have a lot of those around here.

I plunged, I snaked, and while I found both a screw and a lollipop stick (remember what I said about the unknowable), I found nothing else, and didn't fix the painfully slow drain.

So, just to try one more thing, I took the j-bend off, just to make damn sure there was nothing in it. And while I had it off, I snaked into the wall.

Still, nothing helped. What I need now is my drain cleaner, but I don't have any, so I'll have to hit up Home Depot in the morning. Maybe I can find a new drain stopper while I'm at it.

Anyhow, I got to thinking how this never happens at ten o'clock in the morning when hardware stores are open and we can do things. Nope. It only happens at ten o'clock at night.

It made me think of some of the other Laws of Parenthood. This is what I came up with off the top of my head.

1. Your child is guaranteed to poop if you have forgotten diapers, wipes, or God forbid, a change of clothes. 

2. If you've just gotten through a perfect change, with the diaper that you remembered, or the last of the wipes, then they will poop again, almost immediately.

3. Vomit happens most often in the middle of the night. Double likelihood if you really needed the sleep for something. By morning, you are guaranteed to feel like this:

4. They will only want the toy you don't have with you.

5. Plumbing emergencies are far more likely late at night, especially if you're already fried and ready to take someone out.

6. They can always find dirt. Especially if you're wearing white.

7. If you are not eagle-eyed with crack nightvision, plan to step on a lot of legos. Bonus points if you're carrying a baby, or a hot cup of coffee. Seriously, I think lego walking could be classified as a form of torture.

8. They will not hear you if you ask them to turn down the TV or to stop hitting their sister. Curse just the one time, however, and you will never stop hearing it. 

9. Whatever you made last night for dinner (especially if they didn't eat it) is now their favorite meal and they can't possibly be expected to eat whatever you've made tonight.

10. At the end of the day, you will love them despite it all. And when they sleep, you'll be overcome by the willingness to do it again tomorrow. Even if, just moments before, you were thinking that some animals eat their young. 

And now I'm going to go give each of my babies one more kiss before I fall into a coma-like sleep.

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