Monday, November 24, 2014

Napping Is For The Weak!

The Motto of my children...
Filed under "ridiculous things my kids believe" has to be the idea that naptime is some kind of horrific, and undeserved punishment.

As if I'm sending them to be tortured.

As if I'm locking them up indefinitely for crimes against humanity.

It's really just a damn nap.

A nap, by the way, is something I'd love to take. Oh, if only naps were for me.

I could earn a napping crown

I could medal in napping in the sleep Olympics.

I could get a PhD from a major napping university. That's a thing, right? I might be sleep deprived.

Just give me a blanket and a fluffy pillow, and it is on.

But not my kids. What is wrong with them?

The list of things my children seem to prefer to napping include having their teeth pulled without anesthesia, waterboarding, and poking needles in their eyes.

In fact, if you come to my house at the right time of day, you might think that's actually what I've done to Liam, based on the noises you'll hear coming from his room.

The thing is, if they don't nap, then their mission changes. Instead of the usual world domination, their focus becomes my destruction.

They start with my mind, using the time-honored small children's tools of whining and crying.  Then Liam starts going for the body, with unsuspecting toddler slaps and head-butting my face. That hurts, by the way.

And why? Because he didn't sleep! Which he refused to do, because he didn't want to in the first place. But who in the hell do I think I am, allowing him what he wants?  I'm the mother, and clearly responsible for being stronger than him. He will insist that I pay if I fail in my duty.

Trying to figure out my childrens' feelings about naptime is harder than trying to stick a wet noodle in a bear's butt. Which is really hard. You should try it. Turns out they're not receptive at all.

But they need it. I need it. (The kids and the naps I mean, not the bears. The bears probably don't really need the wet noodles at all)

Naps are a good thing. I just have to convince my kids.....

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