Monday, December 08, 2014

5 Crazy Baby Items That Should Not Have Been Invented

You definitely should not buy your baby products made from
babies. That's just wrong.
It's a long title, I know, but this post could go on and on. And it should really be titled 5 Crazy Baby Items That Should Not Have Been Invented, And For The Love Of God, Please Never Buy.

See, I don't know if you know this, but there are some crazy baby items out there, and I think they were invented by lazy people or maybe by people never actually had a baby.

Or saw a baby. Or people who don't know what a baby is.

Even if you've never had kids, I think this is a good jumping off point for things you really do not need, ever, for your baby.

1. The Creepy Baby Bottle Feeder:

"Look at me! I'm a monkey with no mouth. This is how I get your baby's soul.

I don't know what people have against picking up their babies. But sticking a nipple on a stuffed animal does not make it the right way to feed a baby. Bottle or breast, pick the poor kid up, and let them know that they're loved.

Besides. you want your baby eating and forced to stare into those glassy eyes? Nope nope nope! 

2. The Peekaru

I can't be the only one who thinks this is weird. There is nothing wrong with a coat for each of you. Well, unless this is one of those micromanaging moms. "No moving without permission, Little Face. Now, smile!"

3. The Baby Mop

I'm putting this one in the lazy category again. Look, I get it. The floor is dirty, and they love crawling around on it. But unless you're raising Cinderella (and if you are, then shame on you!) then your baby shouldn't be cleaning your house. Just, no.

4. The Poop Alarm

I know that when you pictured parenthood, you had no idea how often it would involve picking up a tiny person and smelling their ass. It's not as glamourous as the brochures made it out to be. But this? This is ridiculous. 

5. The Pureray Baby Bottle

I'll be honest, people, number 5 was hard to pick. And this list could go on for days. But I went with this one for the sheer WTF factor. Conceivably the UV rays in this baby bottle are to kill germs and viruses. But they're UV rays! The things we work so hard to avoid from the time we are finally allowed to slather our precious little angels in sunscreen. Drinking them sounds like a bad idea.

(Edited to add: A science teacher told me that these bottles are probably safe. But they're wickedly expensive to do something that can be easily accomplished with a wash and a trip through the microwave in a handy Madela Micro-Steam bag. Pick a bottle that is good for feeding your baby. And unless your baby is immunosuppressed, an occasional germ is not the end of the world)

You know what you really need when you bring your baby home? Some clothes, some blankets, a sling, and you. 

But then, no one who reads my blog would invest in any of this nonsense. I'm pretty sure. Although they might be good gag gifts. But then again, I don't want to encourage these inventors. 

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